Bush to take Chewbacca Defense at impeachment trial
There was a great deal of nervous anticipation accompanying the announcement of the President’s selection of Johnny Coch to defend him at the impeachment trial. Would Johnny use his famed Chewbacca Defense?
“Ladies and Gentlemen of this supposed Congress, George W. Bush’s accusers would certainly want you to believe my client was willfully violating the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act and the Fourth Amendment to the United States Constitution in secret since 2002, and openly and flagrantly after he admitted to repeatedly ordering mass wiretapping of American citizens without warrants as required by law — and they make a good case. Hell, I almost want to impeach his sorry ass myself. But Ladies and Gentlemen of this supposed Congress, I have one final thing I want you to consider.
Ladies and Gentlemen, this is Chewbacca. Chewbacca is a Wookiee from the planet Kashyyyk and who works at the NSA as a shift supervisor. But Chewbacca lives on the planet Endor. Now think about it. That does not make sense. Why would a Wookiee, an eight-foot-tall Wookiee, want to live on Endor with a bunch of two-foot-tall Ewoks and commute to Earth to work for a secretive government agency? That does not make sense.
But more important, you have to ask yourself what does this have to do with this case. Nothing. Ladies and Gentlemen, it has nothing to do with this case. It does not make sense. Look at me. I’m a lawyer defending the supposed President of the United States and I’m talkin’ about Chewbacca. Does that make sense? Ladies and Gentlemen I am not making any sense. None of this makes sense.
And so you have to remember when you’re in those Congressional chambers deliberating and conjugating the Bill of Rights and evaluating Constitutional principles of checks and balances, does it make sense? No. Ladies and Gentlemen it does not make sense. If Chewbacca lives on Endor you must acquit.
I know he seems guilty. But ladies and gentlemen this is Chewbacca. Now think about that for one minute. That does not make sense. Why am I talking about Chewbacca when a man’s political ass is on the line? Why? I’ll tell you why. I don’t know. It doesn’t make sense. If Chewbacca does not make sense you must acquit. Here look at the monkey, look at the silly monkey.
The defense rests.”
Note: I gratefully acknowledge wonderful inspiration from the creators of Southpark.
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[...] Schulman is, theoretically, quite correct that while voting may philosophically qualify as violence, it is not necessarily aggressive violence but could instead be considered defensive violence. I’ll leave it as an exercise for the reader to determine if voting for Bush would qualify. My own opinions are well known. [...]